Friday, January 11, 2008
Moving to a new home...
http://tristonj.wordpress.com/ hierdie is my nuwe blog... ek kon net nie meer na Da Mario se genag luister...lol
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Those dark hours of the morning…
We all have those, times when we allow our heads and hearts to run wild. I have them when little Triston wakes up for his night bottle. Sometimes in these moments, you can convince yourself that the shadows you see are real, and that they can hurt you. However, the truth is nothing can touch you if you do not care for it. Things we feel indifferent about cannot make us happy or sad or hurt… their just there.
So I embrace these shadows because they mean I care, as well as the shadows of those around me, because this means their capable of caring too. Think it trough before you decide on the truth of this. We all know people who hurt in some way or another, but do we really look to find out why they hurt. If you do not then it’s simply a matter of you don’t care. The next time you see a smile fading and it makes you hurt right along with theirs, then you know you are alive and you have a heart.
I strive for this and hope that one day my son will be able to see the feelings of others; that he will want too. Compassion is being able to set aside your personal feelings and listening to the hurt others feel regardless of you or your own feelings on the matter. Moreover, knowing that their pain might be different in many ways to the pains you have felt in your own life. Nevertheless, that does not make it less painful for them, and it should not then mean less to you.
So I embrace these shadows because they mean I care, as well as the shadows of those around me, because this means their capable of caring too. Think it trough before you decide on the truth of this. We all know people who hurt in some way or another, but do we really look to find out why they hurt. If you do not then it’s simply a matter of you don’t care. The next time you see a smile fading and it makes you hurt right along with theirs, then you know you are alive and you have a heart.
I strive for this and hope that one day my son will be able to see the feelings of others; that he will want too. Compassion is being able to set aside your personal feelings and listening to the hurt others feel regardless of you or your own feelings on the matter. Moreover, knowing that their pain might be different in many ways to the pains you have felt in your own life. Nevertheless, that does not make it less painful for them, and it should not then mean less to you.
Monday, January 7, 2008
The pursuit of happiness
I have been roaming around the blogs these past few days and find it amazing how many people have been blogging about happiness, love and so on. So here is my seeing on things…
Happiness – this is not some thing others can accomplish for you, though it is some thing they can enhance or brake down. But the happiness must be there first. In order to be happy, truly happy you need to be satisfied with yourself and your life. And yes I know this is close to the impossible… we are all unhappy about some aspects of our lives, so here is the thing… the goal is not happiness but rather the road to happiness. It’s the journey that you should find inspiring, that should make you want to get up in the morning to face the traffic of life. It a contradiction, a conundrum, but the only way one can truly be happy is to pursue happiness, to go out and make it happen.
Love – the two walk hand in hand, if you are not happy then you can not love. So if you are in the race for happiness then you are open to love. But love, I’m afraid might be even more elusive… you can love in a way that hurts and this scares us off the road to happiness. I have said it before and will say it again, falling in love is easy, but temporary. And the only way for “in love” to move to “love” is through work from all parties involved. If you don’t work at it and just leave things to go their own way then love will never truly be in your hart.
You can’t pretend happiness any more than you can pretend love, and having both is worth a few battle scars. Falling down should not mean giving up; it should mean getting up and trying harder next time round.
So me, personally, I’m going for the pot of gold, the happiness at the end of the rainbow… and those whose lives I can enhance with happiness or who can enhance mine are invited to join the ride. I won’t promise a smooth ride, or beautiful view at all times. But I will promise a hell of a lot of smiles, tears, laughter and every thing ells life has to offer.
Happiness – this is not some thing others can accomplish for you, though it is some thing they can enhance or brake down. But the happiness must be there first. In order to be happy, truly happy you need to be satisfied with yourself and your life. And yes I know this is close to the impossible… we are all unhappy about some aspects of our lives, so here is the thing… the goal is not happiness but rather the road to happiness. It’s the journey that you should find inspiring, that should make you want to get up in the morning to face the traffic of life. It a contradiction, a conundrum, but the only way one can truly be happy is to pursue happiness, to go out and make it happen.
Love – the two walk hand in hand, if you are not happy then you can not love. So if you are in the race for happiness then you are open to love. But love, I’m afraid might be even more elusive… you can love in a way that hurts and this scares us off the road to happiness. I have said it before and will say it again, falling in love is easy, but temporary. And the only way for “in love” to move to “love” is through work from all parties involved. If you don’t work at it and just leave things to go their own way then love will never truly be in your hart.
You can’t pretend happiness any more than you can pretend love, and having both is worth a few battle scars. Falling down should not mean giving up; it should mean getting up and trying harder next time round.
So me, personally, I’m going for the pot of gold, the happiness at the end of the rainbow… and those whose lives I can enhance with happiness or who can enhance mine are invited to join the ride. I won’t promise a smooth ride, or beautiful view at all times. But I will promise a hell of a lot of smiles, tears, laughter and every thing ells life has to offer.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
A fiew fun pics over the holidays...
The ghost trees...
Christmas day with family and friends...
Jumping with Triston while on holiday...
I'll put some more up later... right now its bed time and it takes to long to upload...
Christmas day with family and friends...
Jumping with Triston while on holiday...
I'll put some more up later... right now its bed time and it takes to long to upload...
Geese goos??? who gives a damn
My mom and I took Triston to The Pioneers house in Pretoria today... their renovating so it wasn't much to look at, but the grass was green and the shades inviting so we staid.
Triston loved it!! They have geese (well that's what I think they are - big white "ducks" with beaks like the devil and nails at the end of their feet) and little Tris decided that these monsters look like fun... so the next time I turn my head... my son is standing right in front of four of the demons!! And their hissing at him with wings spread wide!! I run and scoop him up, but come hell or high water I'm not allowed to leave these monsters be.
So along comes granny with a bag of wild bird seed, and I think, fine... lets feed the beasts! I drop a hand full on the floor and four become 20!!!!!! I panic, grab Triston, Again, and dump the whole bag on the floor... and my dear mother laughs so hard that she nearly wets herself!! The #%&$!!
But all in all a great day!
Triston loved it!! They have geese (well that's what I think they are - big white "ducks" with beaks like the devil and nails at the end of their feet) and little Tris decided that these monsters look like fun... so the next time I turn my head... my son is standing right in front of four of the demons!! And their hissing at him with wings spread wide!! I run and scoop him up, but come hell or high water I'm not allowed to leave these monsters be.
So along comes granny with a bag of wild bird seed, and I think, fine... lets feed the beasts! I drop a hand full on the floor and four become 20!!!!!! I panic, grab Triston, Again, and dump the whole bag on the floor... and my dear mother laughs so hard that she nearly wets herself!! The #%&$!!
But all in all a great day!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I want your pain...
I see your hurt and anger and it hurts and angers me. I hate not being able to sooth your hart when you feel the way you do...
I want to take your pain away, but its not my place. So what is there for me to do but be there if you need me, and be there, even if you don't.
Pain is not the right word to use... there is no right word.
Its a taste that lingers - like milk that's gone off
Its a smell you cant get out of a room - like the smell of ashtrays the morning after a party.
Its a sound that gives you goosebumps - like nails over a blackboard.
Its a sight - like seeing a woman's battered face after her husband is done doing his damage
And last of all its a feeling of never being the same again, never being able to get the taste, smell, sound or sight out of your mind.
Just thinking about it brings the hurt back... but yet we force ourselves to dwell on it constantly... its human nature.
I feel this "pain" not for the same reasons or in the same way, but I do feel it. I don't know if it will help you to know that I understand... but I hope it does. We all have our own pain to deal with, no mater how perfect other people my seem. We all know hurt in our own way, and deal with it in our own way. And it will never go away... but it will fade.
In the mean time lean on those you trust, even one true friend can make a world of difference... so call that friend, who ever it is, because you cant allow his pain to eat away at you. A true friend once told me that we never face things in life we cant handle... its good advice!
With love to my friend... may time heal your hart.
I want to take your pain away, but its not my place. So what is there for me to do but be there if you need me, and be there, even if you don't.
Pain is not the right word to use... there is no right word.
Its a taste that lingers - like milk that's gone off
Its a smell you cant get out of a room - like the smell of ashtrays the morning after a party.
Its a sound that gives you goosebumps - like nails over a blackboard.
Its a sight - like seeing a woman's battered face after her husband is done doing his damage
And last of all its a feeling of never being the same again, never being able to get the taste, smell, sound or sight out of your mind.
Just thinking about it brings the hurt back... but yet we force ourselves to dwell on it constantly... its human nature.
I feel this "pain" not for the same reasons or in the same way, but I do feel it. I don't know if it will help you to know that I understand... but I hope it does. We all have our own pain to deal with, no mater how perfect other people my seem. We all know hurt in our own way, and deal with it in our own way. And it will never go away... but it will fade.
In the mean time lean on those you trust, even one true friend can make a world of difference... so call that friend, who ever it is, because you cant allow his pain to eat away at you. A true friend once told me that we never face things in life we cant handle... its good advice!
With love to my friend... may time heal your hart.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Ekke doen...
Triston has decided that he can dress himself… yes; I can see those smiles forming already!
While on holiday with the two Miss Daisies, he grew into a little boy just as stubborn and hardheaded as his mother! If I want to dress him, he sits there like a little darling giving me this arm then that arm, this leg then that leg… he then promptly hops off the bed runs round the corner and undresses himself right down to his nappy!! And beware the unwatchful woman in the house he has figured out “the bra”!!
What the hell do I do now; staple the clothes together so that he can’t undress himself?!? No, this mommy is smart…or at least I like to think so. After the 4th outfit in one morning (I can’t dress him in the same outfit as the one he just removed or he refuses to do his “this arm that arm” bid) so I use what little brains I still have in my scull after knocking my head against the wall out of frustration, and I let him choose!!
Guess what, it worked!!! He kept that outfit on for the rest of the day, but then came day number 2 and the same freedom of choice no longer works… so what the hell, we’re on holiday, he can run naked if it pleases him!!
So let’s see a quick update on the last month…
Triston turned two, and refuses to respect the fact that he is supposed to be one and a half months lagging- no, not him; he goes straight into his terrible two’s
Triston learned about opening and closing- closets, jars, makeup, toothpaste, shampoo… you get my drift don’t you?!?
Triston learned about flushing the toilet- along with half a roll of toilet paper, his toy car, some blocks and any thing ells that will fit…
Triston learned about jumping – from tables, chairs, rocks anything and every thing! As long as it’s up there and the landing takes place somewhere down here, where there are sharp edges and hell knows what ells…#^&*$#
And then the last big one, Triston learned how to delegate! Ok mate, you look a bit lost… ek self, kom hier, sit hier, nog hê, soek juice/melk/tee/kossies…als! waar is…? IT JUST DOESN’T STOP! But at least the Why? Why? Why? Why?… hasn’t started … yet?!?
And you know what’s the best part – EVERYTHING!! Just like every other stage he has gone through this is now my favorite! And I cherish every nerve-wrecking, hair-pulling, roll-on-the-floor-laughing second of it!!
While on holiday with the two Miss Daisies, he grew into a little boy just as stubborn and hardheaded as his mother! If I want to dress him, he sits there like a little darling giving me this arm then that arm, this leg then that leg… he then promptly hops off the bed runs round the corner and undresses himself right down to his nappy!! And beware the unwatchful woman in the house he has figured out “the bra”!!
What the hell do I do now; staple the clothes together so that he can’t undress himself?!? No, this mommy is smart…or at least I like to think so. After the 4th outfit in one morning (I can’t dress him in the same outfit as the one he just removed or he refuses to do his “this arm that arm” bid) so I use what little brains I still have in my scull after knocking my head against the wall out of frustration, and I let him choose!!
Guess what, it worked!!! He kept that outfit on for the rest of the day, but then came day number 2 and the same freedom of choice no longer works… so what the hell, we’re on holiday, he can run naked if it pleases him!!
So let’s see a quick update on the last month…
Triston turned two, and refuses to respect the fact that he is supposed to be one and a half months lagging- no, not him; he goes straight into his terrible two’s
Triston learned about opening and closing- closets, jars, makeup, toothpaste, shampoo… you get my drift don’t you?!?
Triston learned about flushing the toilet- along with half a roll of toilet paper, his toy car, some blocks and any thing ells that will fit…
Triston learned about jumping – from tables, chairs, rocks anything and every thing! As long as it’s up there and the landing takes place somewhere down here, where there are sharp edges and hell knows what ells…#^&*$#
And then the last big one, Triston learned how to delegate! Ok mate, you look a bit lost… ek self, kom hier, sit hier, nog hê, soek juice/melk/tee/kossies…als! waar is…? IT JUST DOESN’T STOP! But at least the Why? Why? Why? Why?… hasn’t started … yet?!?
And you know what’s the best part – EVERYTHING!! Just like every other stage he has gone through this is now my favorite! And I cherish every nerve-wrecking, hair-pulling, roll-on-the-floor-laughing second of it!!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Driving Miss Daisy
I'm on holiday with my son, mother and aunt... really don't know why I do it to myself...
The last time I went on holiday with my mom and aunt it took us 14 hours to get from Margate to Pretoria!! 14 very very long hours, that took us right to the boarder of $%^&**^%$# that's as close as I can get to the correct spelling of the damn place.We took a nice leisurely drive through a location... where the broken down bakkies litter the road along with cars left on a couple of bricks every few kg... gives you a nice save feeling!!
Luckily I was not present when a year later this site seeing due take the long road to Knysna. This was my poor cousins draw of luck... they decided to take a meandering road back from their holiday there, lets just leave it at that...
So after that we, being both me and my cousin, decide NEVER AGAIN! And yet here I find myself in Whiteriver with my mother and aunt!! What the hell possessed me to do this, I would not know... but here I am. We had a great drive down here and the country side, wow!! SA really is a beautiful country that I should see more of... and that I will, just not with the 2 Miss Daisies!
This morning when we woke up it was overcast so we decided that we will go site seeing. and we took the back roads via Hazieview to Pilgrims Rest.OOO it's lovely and quint and well just like taking a step back in time... (I'll post some pics when I get back) and after site seeing for 6 hours we decided it's time to go back home as it was starting to drizzle and Triston was getting cranky and hungry...
And here starts the fun, half way back to Whiteriver the car(that just had a service) stalls... and no amount of pleading with the hunk of metal would get the damn thing going again... Triston is screaming from hunger and both my mom and aunt hop on their phones to get help. After a hell of a lot of calling around we get someone to come in and tow the car to Nelspruit and the nearest Ford dealer. But now we are 3 woman and one very unhappy baby boy stuck on the side of the road with no where to go... the joys of going on holiday with the 2 Miss Daisies!
We did get home or els I would not be writing this, but now we are stuck for hell knows how long with no car in a place we know nothing about surrounded by people we don't know... cant wait for tomorrow!!
The last time I went on holiday with my mom and aunt it took us 14 hours to get from Margate to Pretoria!! 14 very very long hours, that took us right to the boarder of $%^&**^%$# that's as close as I can get to the correct spelling of the damn place.We took a nice leisurely drive through a location... where the broken down bakkies litter the road along with cars left on a couple of bricks every few kg... gives you a nice save feeling!!
Luckily I was not present when a year later this site seeing due take the long road to Knysna. This was my poor cousins draw of luck... they decided to take a meandering road back from their holiday there, lets just leave it at that...
So after that we, being both me and my cousin, decide NEVER AGAIN! And yet here I find myself in Whiteriver with my mother and aunt!! What the hell possessed me to do this, I would not know... but here I am. We had a great drive down here and the country side, wow!! SA really is a beautiful country that I should see more of... and that I will, just not with the 2 Miss Daisies!
This morning when we woke up it was overcast so we decided that we will go site seeing. and we took the back roads via Hazieview to Pilgrims Rest.OOO it's lovely and quint and well just like taking a step back in time... (I'll post some pics when I get back) and after site seeing for 6 hours we decided it's time to go back home as it was starting to drizzle and Triston was getting cranky and hungry...
And here starts the fun, half way back to Whiteriver the car(that just had a service) stalls... and no amount of pleading with the hunk of metal would get the damn thing going again... Triston is screaming from hunger and both my mom and aunt hop on their phones to get help. After a hell of a lot of calling around we get someone to come in and tow the car to Nelspruit and the nearest Ford dealer. But now we are 3 woman and one very unhappy baby boy stuck on the side of the road with no where to go... the joys of going on holiday with the 2 Miss Daisies!
We did get home or els I would not be writing this, but now we are stuck for hell knows how long with no car in a place we know nothing about surrounded by people we don't know... cant wait for tomorrow!!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
From me and mine...
I was really not looking forward to this first Christmas of many to be spent alone... but as it draws near, I’m starting get the joy back. This has largely to do with the joy Triston takes in opening gifts as well as him being able to recognize Father Christmas.
We had a early gift opening, as the singing Greek God is off to join his family for a wedding and maybe Christmas too. And Tris loved opening… well if he had his way EVERYTHING! So now I’m looking forward to time spent with those I love, being surrounded by family and friends… and I hope you will too!
May 2008 bring us all endless joy!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, to you and yours, from me and mine!
We had a early gift opening, as the singing Greek God is off to join his family for a wedding and maybe Christmas too. And Tris loved opening… well if he had his way EVERYTHING! So now I’m looking forward to time spent with those I love, being surrounded by family and friends… and I hope you will too!
May 2008 bring us all endless joy!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, to you and yours, from me and mine!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I HATE BEING SICK!!
I hate being sick with a passion!!
There is no feeling worse in life than feeling stuffy and groggy and unable to think one clear thought! I feel pathetic and want to be catered to… I want coke by the liters; I don’t care how bad it is for me… it’s my comfort food (drink).
I want people to leave me alone and pamper me at the same time…
They say men are real babies when their sick… well, so am I!!
Hell lets this pass quickly!
This is little Triston earlier in the year when he had RS and was in hospital… just like his mom he wanted to be pampered and held all day… at least he does not have my weakness for coke!!
There is no feeling worse in life than feeling stuffy and groggy and unable to think one clear thought! I feel pathetic and want to be catered to… I want coke by the liters; I don’t care how bad it is for me… it’s my comfort food (drink).
I want people to leave me alone and pamper me at the same time…
They say men are real babies when their sick… well, so am I!!
Hell lets this pass quickly!
This is little Triston earlier in the year when he had RS and was in hospital… just like his mom he wanted to be pampered and held all day… at least he does not have my weakness for coke!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Mwha!
Ek IS happy...selfs so deur al die hormone... JY maak my happy!
Die road wat ons travel is vol slag gatte... maar bumps is deel van die lewe. En ek sal hulle face soos hulle opkom. Net soos jy jou bumps sal face... dit maak dit net makliker om oor hulle te kom as jy weet, regardles van past mistakes, is daar eimand wat saam met jou oor hulle wil gaan.
Word gou gesond...
Die road wat ons travel is vol slag gatte... maar bumps is deel van die lewe. En ek sal hulle face soos hulle opkom. Net soos jy jou bumps sal face... dit maak dit net makliker om oor hulle te kom as jy weet, regardles van past mistakes, is daar eimand wat saam met jou oor hulle wil gaan.
Word gou gesond...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Hormone.... what???
I friend of a friend was telling me the other day how much of a pain PMS is… we feel willing, ready and able to commit murder, in fact I believe that woman with PMS should never be punished for crimes committed under the “influence”!!
You see it’s like this dark cloud comes sailing over our world… and the only thoughts allowed is… death… murder… destruction. Lucky for most of the men out there this last only a few days, and you’ll have your loving caring and devoted wife or girlfriend back in no time at all!
But no, not me… I have been seeing red (no pun intended) for three weeks!!!! I feel like I could chew nails and spit out bullets… like looking at me directly will cause someone to melt on the spot! And then there is the other more pathetic part of being a female in this state… the damn crying… I will be fuming one minute and in tears the next, for no reason what so ever!
So I decided last week, this is it! And called my grily doc(who’s a guy…lol) btw, I don’t get why men think that this is the best job in the world… I mean really; you don’t call them because you’re feeling great!! You call them because you’re either pregnant or feeling pissed at the world for no reason!! This does not make up the best or safest job in the world… ok back to me…
So I go to see him and get informed that my hormones are out of whack… like I couldn’t figure that out all by myself! And now I have to take a shit load of meds to fix the stuff up! And boy o boy are they fun!! Like the last 3 weeks have been a blast… now I’m cranky miserable and feeling like an open faucet… no jokes, I can now cry even while I’m angry… I can laugh with tears of misery streaming out of my eyes!!
What did poor mankind do to deserve this… easy, right now, THEY BREATHE!
The saying – this too shall pass… must have been thought up by a man!
But o, hell I hope he had a point!... let this f-ing pass!!!
You see it’s like this dark cloud comes sailing over our world… and the only thoughts allowed is… death… murder… destruction. Lucky for most of the men out there this last only a few days, and you’ll have your loving caring and devoted wife or girlfriend back in no time at all!
But no, not me… I have been seeing red (no pun intended) for three weeks!!!! I feel like I could chew nails and spit out bullets… like looking at me directly will cause someone to melt on the spot! And then there is the other more pathetic part of being a female in this state… the damn crying… I will be fuming one minute and in tears the next, for no reason what so ever!
So I decided last week, this is it! And called my grily doc(who’s a guy…lol) btw, I don’t get why men think that this is the best job in the world… I mean really; you don’t call them because you’re feeling great!! You call them because you’re either pregnant or feeling pissed at the world for no reason!! This does not make up the best or safest job in the world… ok back to me…
So I go to see him and get informed that my hormones are out of whack… like I couldn’t figure that out all by myself! And now I have to take a shit load of meds to fix the stuff up! And boy o boy are they fun!! Like the last 3 weeks have been a blast… now I’m cranky miserable and feeling like an open faucet… no jokes, I can now cry even while I’m angry… I can laugh with tears of misery streaming out of my eyes!!
What did poor mankind do to deserve this… easy, right now, THEY BREATHE!
The saying – this too shall pass… must have been thought up by a man!
But o, hell I hope he had a point!... let this f-ing pass!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Have a nice day...
May your happiness increase like the petrol price,
May your sorrows fall like the Zim dollar.
And joys fill your heart like corruption in South Africa
Have a wonderful Day
May your sorrows fall like the Zim dollar.
And joys fill your heart like corruption in South Africa
Have a wonderful Day
Monday, December 10, 2007
Beggars and such...
I once new this old beggar, he sat outside checkers every day, and drew pictures… I was working at CNA the time, and when someone gave him some money he would come to CNA to buy new pens… one day I went outside to have a sigaret and he was sitting there on the floor with a big cardboard box spread out on the floor he was concentrating so hard that I drew closers without him noticing…
What I saw amazed me! He was drawing the floor plan of a cathedral… and on the side panels of the box were the walls of the cathedral, drawn to size! It was amazing… that this man who you never look in the eye when passing by because you don’t want to admit to yourself that people like him are out there, could have a talent so profound.
So the next time I went out for a sigaret, I offered him one, and we started talking, we started talking about trivial things… but I soon learned that, he was once one of Durban’s up and coming architects, that he was married and had 2 children but that when his firm folded his wife left him and took the kids to come and live with her mother here in Pretoria.
He sold all he had to come here and find them, in the hope that he would be able to reconcile with her and his kids… but when he got here he couldn’t find them at the address he thought they lived. His money and will was running low, so he turned to drink, and lost what little he had left. When he finally realized what he was doing to himself and sobered up, he was unemployable, dirty and homeless.
So this is where I found him. Drawing buildings outside Checkers… for that entire Desember I spent my tee and lunch brakes talking to him, one day he gave me 3 drawings, one was the completed drawing that I saw the first time I met him, the day after that he wasn’t there any more… I never saw him again, but I still have the cathedral he drew on the cardboard box.
Now matter how smart or talented we are, we are not infallible… no one is without fault or weakness… and John taught me that! I hope where ever he finds himself that he made it out of his rut… that he found his wife and kids, and that he is happy. (But I think this might be a long way from what really happened to him)
I don’t know why this story struck me tonight, might be thinking that I’m happy, even when things didn’t work the way I had hoped… I still came out on top!
What I saw amazed me! He was drawing the floor plan of a cathedral… and on the side panels of the box were the walls of the cathedral, drawn to size! It was amazing… that this man who you never look in the eye when passing by because you don’t want to admit to yourself that people like him are out there, could have a talent so profound.
So the next time I went out for a sigaret, I offered him one, and we started talking, we started talking about trivial things… but I soon learned that, he was once one of Durban’s up and coming architects, that he was married and had 2 children but that when his firm folded his wife left him and took the kids to come and live with her mother here in Pretoria.
He sold all he had to come here and find them, in the hope that he would be able to reconcile with her and his kids… but when he got here he couldn’t find them at the address he thought they lived. His money and will was running low, so he turned to drink, and lost what little he had left. When he finally realized what he was doing to himself and sobered up, he was unemployable, dirty and homeless.
So this is where I found him. Drawing buildings outside Checkers… for that entire Desember I spent my tee and lunch brakes talking to him, one day he gave me 3 drawings, one was the completed drawing that I saw the first time I met him, the day after that he wasn’t there any more… I never saw him again, but I still have the cathedral he drew on the cardboard box.
Now matter how smart or talented we are, we are not infallible… no one is without fault or weakness… and John taught me that! I hope where ever he finds himself that he made it out of his rut… that he found his wife and kids, and that he is happy. (But I think this might be a long way from what really happened to him)
I don’t know why this story struck me tonight, might be thinking that I’m happy, even when things didn’t work the way I had hoped… I still came out on top!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Life is short...
Life is too damn short…
I look back on 25 years of my life, and I can’t think of one single useful thing that I have added to the world other than my gorgeous son!
When I die who will morn my passing and think there was someone who lived life to the full, who didn’t waist a moment… that’s the way I want to be remembered, as someone who enjoyed every moment of life!
I have so much to live for. And I have been wallowing in self-pity for to long now…
So here is my plan, I’m going to get a new car! If this thing with wheels that calls itself a car gives me one more problem, its petrol tank will meet a box of matches!
I’m going to get new furniture… since I sold all my old ones to make space for fathers furniture, and I was informed this week that I’m disinherited and that means that on his death all I will own is my bed, fridge and tumble-dryer. I’m going to save up and get new EVERYTHINGS! And all to my own taste!
I’m going house shopping… well maybe not house, town house sounds better! I’m going to get Triston a garden with a swing! And a pet… don’t know what yet, but we’ll get one!
I don’t care how long it takes… as long as it happens! I want Triston to look back in 25 years and say thanks mom you did your best and it was more than good enough!
I want to invite friends and have a braai, I want to laugh my ass off at least once a day… it’s not like I can’t afford to lose some ass! I want to lose weight… I want to look good again! (Now all I need is someone to drag kicking and screaming to gym with me)
But most of all I want to make other people happy when there around me… I want to make people feel that they are worth more than a bucket of diamonds when they leave my side.
Have you ever been around some one positive… no I mean really positive! The tipe of person who can make the most depressing day turn out happy. The tipe of person who can just sit beside you and give you’re hand a squeeze, and then you suddenly feel like you can take on the world again. I want to be like that… I want life to bubble out of ever fiber of my being. I want to live and make others feel alive!
And so in this short life we all lead… this is what I want… these are my goals, the rainbow at the end of my tunnel… and come hell(been there) or high water(done that) I’ll make it!
I look back on 25 years of my life, and I can’t think of one single useful thing that I have added to the world other than my gorgeous son!
When I die who will morn my passing and think there was someone who lived life to the full, who didn’t waist a moment… that’s the way I want to be remembered, as someone who enjoyed every moment of life!
I have so much to live for. And I have been wallowing in self-pity for to long now…
So here is my plan, I’m going to get a new car! If this thing with wheels that calls itself a car gives me one more problem, its petrol tank will meet a box of matches!
I’m going to get new furniture… since I sold all my old ones to make space for fathers furniture, and I was informed this week that I’m disinherited and that means that on his death all I will own is my bed, fridge and tumble-dryer. I’m going to save up and get new EVERYTHINGS! And all to my own taste!
I’m going house shopping… well maybe not house, town house sounds better! I’m going to get Triston a garden with a swing! And a pet… don’t know what yet, but we’ll get one!
I don’t care how long it takes… as long as it happens! I want Triston to look back in 25 years and say thanks mom you did your best and it was more than good enough!
I want to invite friends and have a braai, I want to laugh my ass off at least once a day… it’s not like I can’t afford to lose some ass! I want to lose weight… I want to look good again! (Now all I need is someone to drag kicking and screaming to gym with me)
But most of all I want to make other people happy when there around me… I want to make people feel that they are worth more than a bucket of diamonds when they leave my side.
Have you ever been around some one positive… no I mean really positive! The tipe of person who can make the most depressing day turn out happy. The tipe of person who can just sit beside you and give you’re hand a squeeze, and then you suddenly feel like you can take on the world again. I want to be like that… I want life to bubble out of ever fiber of my being. I want to live and make others feel alive!
And so in this short life we all lead… this is what I want… these are my goals, the rainbow at the end of my tunnel… and come hell(been there) or high water(done that) I’ll make it!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
TristonJ
I had a great weekend... had a million and one things to do, and felt like I had done nothing by the end of it!
Had a braai at a friends house, (face book is amazing she found me after we had not seen each other in over 10 years) and good nights sleep.
Triston had his first sleep over at his dads, and I really, really needed the break! So it all went well(but for the fact that Triston only fell asleep at 12 in the morning) I picked him up this morning and low and behold he had no broken bones and all his facial features where still where the should be... not that I had any worries about it, none in fact! Michelle is a good father. Its just damn hard leaving your child with anyone, even his father... but I'll get use to it.
On another note... Triston is turning two next Friday!! My baby is turning TWO, I can hardly believe it... on the one hand it feels like he was born yesterday and on the other it feels like he has always been here! Honestly, I cant remember what I did with my time before he came... I mean what do you do with your mornings when they are not spent repairing nappy damage! Or how did you eat a meal without standing up 10 million times to get him to eat something... come to that when did you last eat all the
food on your own plate!
I love my son and I would not change one thing about him! He is perfection personified - tantrums and all!
That's another new one to me, Triston has always been a dream child... well behaved, polite and an angel in general. Then he hits toddler hood... end of bragging right there! My little angel has a radar built in that points to all little car rides(you know the ones in game arcades)... you think you are still walking by peacefully and all of a sudden the pram feels soooo light you look down and ...
Nothing, no toddler siting there, bottle in hand pointing at this or chatting to that... just gone!!
So I start looking around frantically! And where would the little bugger be... got it! Sitting in one of these damn cars, hopping up and down with glee! Then comes the battle of wills... getting him out, and the shopping done! So I need to get him out prop him on my hip and run.... run for dear life! I have never had a problem with people staring at us, but when they start looking at you and saying sweetly "Ag, his so cute" I just want to yell "Then you stand here for the next 30 minutes!"
OK, so this too will pass...when?!?!?
But as much as I hate tantrums, Triston is now at the best age! He knows about hugs, I love it when we snuggle up in bed on a Saturday morning and he just pops up and gives me a big bear hug!
He is perfect!
Happy birthday Lawwe Blaffie!
Had a braai at a friends house, (face book is amazing she found me after we had not seen each other in over 10 years) and good nights sleep.
Triston had his first sleep over at his dads, and I really, really needed the break! So it all went well(but for the fact that Triston only fell asleep at 12 in the morning) I picked him up this morning and low and behold he had no broken bones and all his facial features where still where the should be... not that I had any worries about it, none in fact! Michelle is a good father. Its just damn hard leaving your child with anyone, even his father... but I'll get use to it.
On another note... Triston is turning two next Friday!! My baby is turning TWO, I can hardly believe it... on the one hand it feels like he was born yesterday and on the other it feels like he has always been here! Honestly, I cant remember what I did with my time before he came... I mean what do you do with your mornings when they are not spent repairing nappy damage! Or how did you eat a meal without standing up 10 million times to get him to eat something... come to that when did you last eat all the
food on your own plate!I love my son and I would not change one thing about him! He is perfection personified - tantrums and all!
That's another new one to me, Triston has always been a dream child... well behaved, polite and an angel in general. Then he hits toddler hood... end of bragging right there! My little angel has a radar built in that points to all little car rides(you know the ones in game arcades)... you think you are still walking by peacefully and all of a sudden the pram feels soooo light you look down and ...
Nothing, no toddler siting there, bottle in hand pointing at this or chatting to that... just gone!!
So I start looking around frantically! And where would the little bugger be... got it! Sitting in one of these damn cars, hopping up and down with glee! Then comes the battle of wills... getting him out, and the shopping done! So I need to get him out prop him on my hip and run.... run for dear life! I have never had a problem with people staring at us, but when they start looking at you and saying sweetly "Ag, his so cute" I just want to yell "Then you stand here for the next 30 minutes!"
OK, so this too will pass...when?!?!?
But as much as I hate tantrums, Triston is now at the best age! He knows about hugs, I love it when we snuggle up in bed on a Saturday morning and he just pops up and gives me a big bear hug!
He is perfect!
Happy birthday Lawwe Blaffie!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Shadow boxing...
I have lately been feeling like I'm shadow boxing against my own mind...
There are thing that I cant add up, no matter how I put them together...
I have questions I know I don't want the answers too... yet I ask, and receive...
So how do you fight a shadow, a thought, an idea...
I build mental images in my mind, and when I get the info to color them in... I don't want the picture there any more...
I have my own pictures that aren't made of purity... I wish they were, I wish I could live up to the standards that others set so high...
That I could be the perfect faultless daughter, mother, lover... But that I'll never be...
So this is me... And my shadows Will remain just that, shadows. I can live with them... even if I don't like them. They are not worth more than I am, for I'm real... I live and love. I bleed red and cry tears. I laugh till my sides ache. I'm me!
And no shadow will stand in my way or cloud over my ray of sun...
Got it!
...
Good.
There are thing that I cant add up, no matter how I put them together...
I have questions I know I don't want the answers too... yet I ask, and receive...
So how do you fight a shadow, a thought, an idea...
I build mental images in my mind, and when I get the info to color them in... I don't want the picture there any more...
I have my own pictures that aren't made of purity... I wish they were, I wish I could live up to the standards that others set so high...
That I could be the perfect faultless daughter, mother, lover... But that I'll never be...
So this is me... And my shadows Will remain just that, shadows. I can live with them... even if I don't like them. They are not worth more than I am, for I'm real... I live and love. I bleed red and cry tears. I laugh till my sides ache. I'm me!
And no shadow will stand in my way or cloud over my ray of sun...
Got it!
...
Good.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Lizards...
Got this email a while back and I found it hilarious!...
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot When it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, "he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just … Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot When it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, "he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just … Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
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