The spiral...

How do you stop yourself from falling? I've seen it before me, the tunnel of darkness and there at the end of the spiral is a light... it calls; it begs me to come closer... I feel safe when I'm looking at it straight on.

It's really odd, I've known the spiral all my life, it’s the darkness that has consumed me from a young age and for a while it was gone and there was a comfortable glow where the darkness was... but it was never true light! From the beginning this was the only way for me to explain my depression to all of the different doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists in my life (there have been a few, to many really) But none of them got it, guess I never really got it myself. There is this break in my personality, this lack of me and knowing who I am.

I see that break very clearly in my mind; it’s the place where the spiral starts... I have gone, at times, so close to the end of this spiral of mine. So close that I could almost hold the peace it offers me to my breast and welcome it in... But the part of me that is not so lacking can not accept it, this eternal peace. The day I found out about Michelle was one of those days where the spiral had led me to its edge... if not for my son sleeping peacefully unaware in his bed; I don't think I would have stepped back from it that day!

But I did, I still don’t know how I did it, but I did. I'm thankful that I did. The problem is that until recently I had convinced myself that I had not stepped over the edge, purely for Triston? But I see now that the burden of my next breath can't be left on his shoulders, I have to want to live... for me, so that I can be complete for him! My son is my world, he is the reason I don't hate and crumble. He is my light!

I want to live now; I want to breathe for me, for who I am and who I can be! I'm strong, I've always know that I am... but it’s only when I need to be strong for others that I can truly show this strength in me... So I thought, having this need to be strong now, that I can be strong for Michelle and Triston... I was wrong, Michelle needs to be strong for herself now and Triston needs to see my strength, not my strength for him but my strength for myself, so that he can learn to be strong for himself one day.

I lay awake at night thinking about my spiral and the next time I will be faced with it... but no, I don't think I will allow it to take hold of me again. It has taken me 20 years to want to live for myself and no one els. This does not mean that I want to be alone and spend the rest of my life without love... it means that I'm strong enough to love, not just someone ells but myself! I use to look and see this stranger in my place making choices that affect me, but making them for others. Sacrificing my own happiness so that others might feel better about themselves. No more! How can I love my son to the fullest if I cant love my self even a little, so now I make the choice to be happy, to enjoy the thing offered to me in life, to enjoy the company of others without wondering what they want from me, how I can make there life's better.

I have been smiling again, so much so my face hurts! I have been laughing again, so much so my sides hurt... and I wouldn't change it for the world! I feel the spiral there and for some reason it no longer looks as dark, bleak and lifeless... I see my self falling as I have always seen it, but this time the spiral is not going down to eternal peace but up to ultimate joy. And even if I don't reach the end of this spiral of joy... I'm enjoying the ride!