Little Triston is sick again... the doctor kindly informed my mother when she took him in on Monday that Triston has been to the doctor more than 20 times this year... doesn't sound so bad till I remember we are in October and that means a visit twice a month, and that's not even counting the hospital stay and the visits to his Pead!!! What the hell am I doing wrong, I know I'm a good mother and Triston is a happy balanced little boy regardless of how messed up things in his life is at the moment... I just don't get it!!
I feel so helpless when he's sick, it's the only time that he is not smiling on a constant basis. And the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me now... its OK for him because he spends half the night up and then sleeps at the neighbors house till 11-12 in the morning. Me, on the other hand, I get up at 6 (thank who ever you believe in I no longer start working at 6) to get the bus... then I have a nice 20 min cat nap on the way to work... in the afternoons after a nice health 8 hour work day, I take the bus back, and as I get on, I look around me at the traffic and say thank you when its heavy, because it means at least another hour and a half nap back home!
I never thought about how hard it must of been on my mother to be a single mom... I take my hat off to her! I'll get use to it, that much I know (damn I really hope so!!) but it's hard if you are use to having some one there to help with a clingy sick baby boy... someone to take your child for just 10 min so that you can regroup after 2 hours of none stop crying! Some one who can bring you a reviving cup of coffee at 3 in the morning when the only place your child is willing to sleep is on your shoulder... it's at moments like these that I could really learn to dislike Michelle! Was being a woman really more important than being there for your own child!!! She didn't have to love me... I'm quite use to not being loved for me... but is it truly justifiable for her to say I want to be a woman more than I want to be a father!
But there is no use in crying over spilt milk, and I know I would not have stayed married to Michelle knowing that she wanted to be a woman... even if she was willing to stay a man for her sons sake... And so life goes on and the world keeps spinning, even when my son is ill and the word comes tumbling down round my ears... I will get through this too, I have proven to my self that I can face most anything... Lets just hope the world doesn't decide to prove me wrong yet again!
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