The end draws near

So it is almost over, it is almost time for me to close the book on 7 years of my life... And for some reason don't know how I should feel about it.

Should I be crying...
Should I be grateful...
Should I be angry...
Should I be resentful... I think that might be as close as I could get to the feelings inside me.

You never read what I write here so I'm going to bear my soul to you...

You let me down as no one in my life has let me down, not because of the pain you caused me, though that's a big part of it. But rather because of the fact that you where the last person I ever expected to hurt me... You where the rock I could depend on and you where the light at the end of my tunnel. You riped my world from under me and never looked back at the devastation you left in your wake...

But then I must add, in all fairness, because of what you did to me, I'm a better and stronger person. Because of you and the selfish choice you made, I have bettered myself... I have found a job I love, I have found my Independence behind the steering wheel of my own car, I have found out that regardless of what you did to me I'm worthy of love. And even though I thought "this is it, no man will touch my hart again" I find myself in a place where I can allow others to love me.

I know I keep hammering on what you did to me, but the truth is that it was you... I can walk away from 7 years and not feel guilty. I know that I loved you with all my hart, and you know that I would have been willing to love you till the day I die, knowing that you never loved me in the same way. But the choice I made to get a divorce was mine and mine alone. The reason for this choice was that I knew Triston would have to go through hell having you in his life permanently, and that you would have resented me in the long run.

But mostly it was because I don't think I deserve what you did to me, I have stood by you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and all the rest... but all I did was not enough. I don't think any thing would have been enough. So my choice is a selfish one, the first in all our years together. I chose me! I chose to live my life as I have never been allowed to do. I chose to love someone who can love me in return!

And as the end draws near I say thank you...

Thank you for my beautiful son - for him alone I would go through it all again.
Thank you for my independence - I was far to comfortable in allowing you to drive me where I wanted to go and of you taking care of bringing in the money we needed to survive on.
Thank you for helping me see that I am more than just your wife and Tristons mom - that I can stand on my own and be me, that in doing so I'm a better mother and person.
Thank you for showing me that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was - that even when I felt ready to give up I stood strong.

They say all things happen for a reason... and I guess who ever they are, they might have a point!

So, no, I'm not angry and I don't hate you. I'm sort of sad at how things didn't go according to my grand plan, but looking back now my grand plan well.... sucked!

And when the end comes, I know I'll be able to walk away looking at the good times we have had together, but I will also be able to look forward and see my rainbow... and chase it till I find my pot of luck!

I wish you well in your life, and hope that this rocky road you have set your feet upon will not be too bumpy. And that you will be able to fit our son in this new world of yours because he does not deserve to be punished for our choices...

Blessed be my friend... lets hope we both smile at the end...