The end draws near

So it is almost over, it is almost time for me to close the book on 7 years of my life... And for some reason don't know how I should feel about it.

Should I be crying...
Should I be grateful...
Should I be angry...
Should I be resentful... I think that might be as close as I could get to the feelings inside me.

You never read what I write here so I'm going to bear my soul to you...

You let me down as no one in my life has let me down, not because of the pain you caused me, though that's a big part of it. But rather because of the fact that you where the last person I ever expected to hurt me... You where the rock I could depend on and you where the light at the end of my tunnel. You riped my world from under me and never looked back at the devastation you left in your wake...

But then I must add, in all fairness, because of what you did to me, I'm a better and stronger person. Because of you and the selfish choice you made, I have bettered myself... I have found a job I love, I have found my Independence behind the steering wheel of my own car, I have found out that regardless of what you did to me I'm worthy of love. And even though I thought "this is it, no man will touch my hart again" I find myself in a place where I can allow others to love me.

I know I keep hammering on what you did to me, but the truth is that it was you... I can walk away from 7 years and not feel guilty. I know that I loved you with all my hart, and you know that I would have been willing to love you till the day I die, knowing that you never loved me in the same way. But the choice I made to get a divorce was mine and mine alone. The reason for this choice was that I knew Triston would have to go through hell having you in his life permanently, and that you would have resented me in the long run.

But mostly it was because I don't think I deserve what you did to me, I have stood by you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and all the rest... but all I did was not enough. I don't think any thing would have been enough. So my choice is a selfish one, the first in all our years together. I chose me! I chose to live my life as I have never been allowed to do. I chose to love someone who can love me in return!

And as the end draws near I say thank you...

Thank you for my beautiful son - for him alone I would go through it all again.
Thank you for my independence - I was far to comfortable in allowing you to drive me where I wanted to go and of you taking care of bringing in the money we needed to survive on.
Thank you for helping me see that I am more than just your wife and Tristons mom - that I can stand on my own and be me, that in doing so I'm a better mother and person.
Thank you for showing me that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was - that even when I felt ready to give up I stood strong.

They say all things happen for a reason... and I guess who ever they are, they might have a point!

So, no, I'm not angry and I don't hate you. I'm sort of sad at how things didn't go according to my grand plan, but looking back now my grand plan well.... sucked!

And when the end comes, I know I'll be able to walk away looking at the good times we have had together, but I will also be able to look forward and see my rainbow... and chase it till I find my pot of luck!

I wish you well in your life, and hope that this rocky road you have set your feet upon will not be too bumpy. And that you will be able to fit our son in this new world of yours because he does not deserve to be punished for our choices...

Blessed be my friend... lets hope we both smile at the end...

The world goes round and round

Little Triston is sick again... the doctor kindly informed my mother when she took him in on Monday that Triston has been to the doctor more than 20 times this year... doesn't sound so bad till I remember we are in October and that means a visit twice a month, and that's not even counting the hospital stay and the visits to his Pead!!! What the hell am I doing wrong, I know I'm a good mother and Triston is a happy balanced little boy regardless of how messed up things in his life is at the moment... I just don't get it!!

I feel so helpless when he's sick, it's the only time that he is not smiling on a constant basis. And the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me now... its OK for him because he spends half the night up and then sleeps at the neighbors house till 11-12 in the morning. Me, on the other hand, I get up at 6 (thank who ever you believe in I no longer start working at 6) to get the bus... then I have a nice 20 min cat nap on the way to work... in the afternoons after a nice health 8 hour work day, I take the bus back, and as I get on, I look around me at the traffic and say thank you when its heavy, because it means at least another hour and a half nap back home!

I never thought about how hard it must of been on my mother to be a single mom... I take my hat off to her! I'll get use to it, that much I know (damn I really hope so!!) but it's hard if you are use to having some one there to help with a clingy sick baby boy... someone to take your child for just 10 min so that you can regroup after 2 hours of none stop crying! Some one who can bring you a reviving cup of coffee at 3 in the morning when the only place your child is willing to sleep is on your shoulder... it's at moments like these that I could really learn to dislike Michelle! Was being a woman really more important than being there for your own child!!! She didn't have to love me... I'm quite use to not being loved for me... but is it truly justifiable for her to say I want to be a woman more than I want to be a father!

But there is no use in crying over spilt milk, and I know I would not have stayed married to Michelle knowing that she wanted to be a woman... even if she was willing to stay a man for her sons sake... And so life goes on and the world keeps spinning, even when my son is ill and the word comes tumbling down round my ears... I will get through this too, I have proven to my self that I can face most anything... Lets just hope the world doesn't decide to prove me wrong yet again!

The spiral...

How do you stop yourself from falling? I've seen it before me, the tunnel of darkness and there at the end of the spiral is a light... it calls; it begs me to come closer... I feel safe when I'm looking at it straight on.

It's really odd, I've known the spiral all my life, it’s the darkness that has consumed me from a young age and for a while it was gone and there was a comfortable glow where the darkness was... but it was never true light! From the beginning this was the only way for me to explain my depression to all of the different doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists in my life (there have been a few, to many really) But none of them got it, guess I never really got it myself. There is this break in my personality, this lack of me and knowing who I am.

I see that break very clearly in my mind; it’s the place where the spiral starts... I have gone, at times, so close to the end of this spiral of mine. So close that I could almost hold the peace it offers me to my breast and welcome it in... But the part of me that is not so lacking can not accept it, this eternal peace. The day I found out about Michelle was one of those days where the spiral had led me to its edge... if not for my son sleeping peacefully unaware in his bed; I don't think I would have stepped back from it that day!

But I did, I still don’t know how I did it, but I did. I'm thankful that I did. The problem is that until recently I had convinced myself that I had not stepped over the edge, purely for Triston? But I see now that the burden of my next breath can't be left on his shoulders, I have to want to live... for me, so that I can be complete for him! My son is my world, he is the reason I don't hate and crumble. He is my light!

I want to live now; I want to breathe for me, for who I am and who I can be! I'm strong, I've always know that I am... but it’s only when I need to be strong for others that I can truly show this strength in me... So I thought, having this need to be strong now, that I can be strong for Michelle and Triston... I was wrong, Michelle needs to be strong for herself now and Triston needs to see my strength, not my strength for him but my strength for myself, so that he can learn to be strong for himself one day.

I lay awake at night thinking about my spiral and the next time I will be faced with it... but no, I don't think I will allow it to take hold of me again. It has taken me 20 years to want to live for myself and no one els. This does not mean that I want to be alone and spend the rest of my life without love... it means that I'm strong enough to love, not just someone ells but myself! I use to look and see this stranger in my place making choices that affect me, but making them for others. Sacrificing my own happiness so that others might feel better about themselves. No more! How can I love my son to the fullest if I cant love my self even a little, so now I make the choice to be happy, to enjoy the thing offered to me in life, to enjoy the company of others without wondering what they want from me, how I can make there life's better.

I have been smiling again, so much so my face hurts! I have been laughing again, so much so my sides hurt... and I wouldn't change it for the world! I feel the spiral there and for some reason it no longer looks as dark, bleak and lifeless... I see my self falling as I have always seen it, but this time the spiral is not going down to eternal peace but up to ultimate joy. And even if I don't reach the end of this spiral of joy... I'm enjoying the ride!

OK so I stand corrected!

So there seem to be some good men left out there...lol... though they seem to be few and far between! I had a date with the guy that kept me company on the date from hell last night, and I can't remember having a better time in the last year! (though it wouldn't take much to beat the last 2 months...lol)

I will not go into detail. But he is the type of guy who opens doors and lets you walk in first... in other words he is a gentleman (though I don't think he sees himself in this light)... I don't mean this in the boring sense that most woman these days think when they hear the word gentleman! I mean he knows how to treat a woman!

But what carried more weight with me was meeting his son and seeing the love there! There is nothing more hart warming than seeing a father and son together... bitter sweet in my case as I know Triston will never have that with his dad! But still great to see... and what a beautiful child!

OK no more on the subject.... I just wanted to tell all my ghost readers that some where out there are still a few good men!

;-)

My baby boy is almost not a Baby anymore!!

OK on to things positive!

I was looking at my son when I came home after work today... his granny had put him in the tub early because he was looking tired. And the pure joy of splashing in the tub was shining out of his eyes! Being able to take the cloth and through it out of the tub seemed to be the best thing in the world!

But back to the point... My son is growing up to quickly!! I love the age his at now... words get stung together and they have meaning all of the sudden. And saying them long and hard enough gets the desired result... like "mine" if you say mine long and hard enough it will always become yours! wish life was so simple...

Triston has a set way of doing things! At 5:30 he comes and take my hand and his grannies and takes us to the only space big enough in the house... Then we have to play "ring'a ring'a rosies" and "the hokie pokie" He LOVES this! Will do it for hours on end! Then when we all fall down he tackles us on the floor, or we tackle him... and then its reading time!!! What a joy it is to look at him and see the understanding in his eyes!

I really cant see how people cant spend quality time with there kids! Triston goes to bed at 7 and from 5:30 to 7 its HIS time! If it means dinner has to wait and the washing doesn't get done on time then so be it! He is my gift and what time I have to spend with him I will! Regardless of what ells is going on in my life Triston is always the center of my world! All things pale in comparison to my sons smile, all thing melt away when he throws his arms open to greet me with a kiss, snotty nose and all!

Love your children for if you don't they wont feel worthy of love in years to come!!!