I have lately been feeling like I'm shadow boxing against my own mind...
There are thing that I cant add up, no matter how I put them together...
I have questions I know I don't want the answers too... yet I ask, and receive...
So how do you fight a shadow, a thought, an idea...
I build mental images in my mind, and when I get the info to color them in... I don't want the picture there any more...
I have my own pictures that aren't made of purity... I wish they were, I wish I could live up to the standards that others set so high...
That I could be the perfect faultless daughter, mother, lover... But that I'll never be...
So this is me... And my shadows Will remain just that, shadows. I can live with them... even if I don't like them. They are not worth more than I am, for I'm real... I live and love. I bleed red and cry tears. I laugh till my sides ache. I'm me!
And no shadow will stand in my way or cloud over my ray of sun...
Got it!
...
Good.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Lizards...
Got this email a while back and I found it hilarious!...
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot When it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, "he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just … Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot When it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, "he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just … Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
8 Things you might not know about me...
OK so here goes... let me bore you lot out of your minds!
1. I have only been driving for the last 3 months... so if you see me coming, run!!!
2. I hate fish, tomatoes, onions, garlic, peppers and baby marrows... I will eat it all if in disguise, well all but the fish - try to give it to me and I will not be held responsible for the results.
3. I might be the only woman alive that never craves chocolate! - but I do love dipping biltong in caramel.
4. I have done every sport there is (that girls may do)... for at least 2 weeks.
.... um ...don't know what ells to wright....
5. I don't believe in god. But I have allot of respect for those who do! So don't jump on my back!!
6. I'm the middle child, and the first to be born in SA.
7. I hate horror movies!
8. I stop eating when I'm stressed.... best diet in the world was finding out my ex husband wants to be a woman!
There you go... not that interesting... but whats done is done! So go "tag" someone ells...lol
1. I have only been driving for the last 3 months... so if you see me coming, run!!!
2. I hate fish, tomatoes, onions, garlic, peppers and baby marrows... I will eat it all if in disguise, well all but the fish - try to give it to me and I will not be held responsible for the results.
3. I might be the only woman alive that never craves chocolate! - but I do love dipping biltong in caramel.
4. I have done every sport there is (that girls may do)... for at least 2 weeks.
.... um ...don't know what ells to wright....
5. I don't believe in god. But I have allot of respect for those who do! So don't jump on my back!!
6. I'm the middle child, and the first to be born in SA.
7. I hate horror movies!
8. I stop eating when I'm stressed.... best diet in the world was finding out my ex husband wants to be a woman!
There you go... not that interesting... but whats done is done! So go "tag" someone ells...lol
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friends...
Its odd how some friends build you and others would rather have you stay the same or brake you... I was watching TV last night, The Biggest Looser, and they had the final on. I was fascinated by what happened when the last three contestants went home and had to continue what they had learned at home... and bring it all into there daily lives.
The one and only woman who had made it to the final, went out to lunch with a group of friends. They had no regard for the difficulty she faced when the time came to order... and even tried to persuade her to eat off there plates the things they know she may not touch. They went to such an extent that the poor girl was in tears by the end of the meal.
One of the two men who had made it, had been an alcoholic before he came on the show, and his friends, to welcome him back, take him to a pub... and tease him when he refuses to take a drink "o, come on just one!" who needs enemies when you have friends like these?!?
I wish to surround my self with people who will help me enhance my life! And I will get rid of all those who wish to keep me rooted to there own level... I want to grow and the best way to do this is to have friends who are like minded! I'd rather have one true friend than 50 wolves in sheep's clothing.
Thankfully, I have that one true friend...
The one and only woman who had made it to the final, went out to lunch with a group of friends. They had no regard for the difficulty she faced when the time came to order... and even tried to persuade her to eat off there plates the things they know she may not touch. They went to such an extent that the poor girl was in tears by the end of the meal.
One of the two men who had made it, had been an alcoholic before he came on the show, and his friends, to welcome him back, take him to a pub... and tease him when he refuses to take a drink "o, come on just one!" who needs enemies when you have friends like these?!?
I wish to surround my self with people who will help me enhance my life! And I will get rid of all those who wish to keep me rooted to there own level... I want to grow and the best way to do this is to have friends who are like minded! I'd rather have one true friend than 50 wolves in sheep's clothing.
Thankfully, I have that one true friend...
Friday, November 23, 2007
Ouch!
I went to go and visit a dear friend of mine in hospital today, she had her Sexual Reassignment Surgery done... and all I can say is ouch!
But damn it must take guts...! I love being a woman so I cant think of a single thing that would prompt me to do something so drastic to my own body! And I really can't imagine Michelle going through with it... I take my hat off to those few who go all the way...
Good luck Tina, now you are the woman you have always wanted to be... I hope it brings you happiness!
But damn it must take guts...! I love being a woman so I cant think of a single thing that would prompt me to do something so drastic to my own body! And I really can't imagine Michelle going through with it... I take my hat off to those few who go all the way...
Good luck Tina, now you are the woman you have always wanted to be... I hope it brings you happiness!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
My first night out...
So tonight was my first night out as a divorcee...
And I had dinner with this amazing guy, listened to this wonderful man sing with his drop dead gorgeous, silk over gravel voice, laughed and just plane had fun in general!
There is just something about a man that can sing... don't know how to describe it, it makes me want to close my eyes and drift off to a different place, where there is only him and me...
It makes me wish the words of each song was sung just for me (lol, even when there not)
OK, that's my story... it's to late in the night to go into more detail, but I felt like putting these feelings out there... for all my little ghost readers.
I'm OK and will stay OK, I feel happy and content with the place my life is heading... I have meaning in my life, and I want to live it to the fullness. I want to build new dreams to replace the old, for Triston and me... I want to get a place of our own to call home, I want to take him to school in the mornings and pick him up after work, just to rush home and make us dinner, and then spend time with him... to make sure he knows he is loved... I want to get him a pet, a dog might be to much, maybe a cat... ?
I want to dream... I want to love and be loved... I want so many things for myself and Triston... I want to spend weekends(well to be honest any day of the week too) listening to silk covering gravel, as a smiling face sings while doing... well just about everything.
Who knows, maybe life has dealt me the last blow, and things might finally be normal in my life, no drama, no pain, no mistakes... just days like today...
Who knows..? All I can do is hope!
And I had dinner with this amazing guy, listened to this wonderful man sing with his drop dead gorgeous, silk over gravel voice, laughed and just plane had fun in general!
There is just something about a man that can sing... don't know how to describe it, it makes me want to close my eyes and drift off to a different place, where there is only him and me...
It makes me wish the words of each song was sung just for me (lol, even when there not)
OK, that's my story... it's to late in the night to go into more detail, but I felt like putting these feelings out there... for all my little ghost readers.
I'm OK and will stay OK, I feel happy and content with the place my life is heading... I have meaning in my life, and I want to live it to the fullness. I want to build new dreams to replace the old, for Triston and me... I want to get a place of our own to call home, I want to take him to school in the mornings and pick him up after work, just to rush home and make us dinner, and then spend time with him... to make sure he knows he is loved... I want to get him a pet, a dog might be to much, maybe a cat... ?
I want to dream... I want to love and be loved... I want so many things for myself and Triston... I want to spend weekends(well to be honest any day of the week too) listening to silk covering gravel, as a smiling face sings while doing... well just about everything.
Who knows, maybe life has dealt me the last blow, and things might finally be normal in my life, no drama, no pain, no mistakes... just days like today...
Who knows..? All I can do is hope!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It's over...
So it's over... damn quick!
I feel a bit numb at the moment... it will probably sink in later.
I'm glad it's done, I know that I had no other choice... we would never have been able to make each other happy, and I would never have been able to make peace with it all...
I was recently told that I'm not ready to be in a relationship... and maybe it's true, but this person who told me so, this person who holds in his hands the pieces of my hart, he should know that even though neither of us are ready to take that big step - I'm here and I don't plan on going away... I have found in you, someone I know I can trust, love and most importantly who can be my friend (one day you might realise that you can love and trust me too)! So until you feel we are ready for that step, I'll wait... I'll wait for you...
Thanks for being there for me today, I needed you to be there.
I feel a bit numb at the moment... it will probably sink in later.
I'm glad it's done, I know that I had no other choice... we would never have been able to make each other happy, and I would never have been able to make peace with it all...
I was recently told that I'm not ready to be in a relationship... and maybe it's true, but this person who told me so, this person who holds in his hands the pieces of my hart, he should know that even though neither of us are ready to take that big step - I'm here and I don't plan on going away... I have found in you, someone I know I can trust, love and most importantly who can be my friend (one day you might realise that you can love and trust me too)! So until you feel we are ready for that step, I'll wait... I'll wait for you...
Thanks for being there for me today, I needed you to be there.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow is the last day of my fake marriage... it ends.
So now the feelings start... well just as soon as I can figure out how I want to feel about it?!?
Tomorrow marks the end of seven years with some one I had loved and who I thought loved me in return (as a man should love a woman) - yet I cant feel regret in the years spent with him... they gave me my son!
Tomorrow I lower my husband into his grave. Its the final nail in the coffin of the man I married, now Michelle can live, and hopefully be happy in the life she chose!
Tomorrow, tomorrow i'llllll love ye tomorrow its onlllly a dayyyyy awaaayyyy!
LOL just felt like it!
Back to the topic at hand.
I feel a great loss, not only is my husband dead (or as good as) but I have lost a friend... my best friend.
Even though we both had the best intentions to stay friends, I don't think it will work. The reason being that I can't agree with the way this transition is handled, not that it should be my problem - it would be great to say "go ahead do your thing, we'll be OK"... but alas I can't do that! It is my problem, as it touches me directly... so I think we might be able to remain friendly, but not friends (unless there is a sudden change of hart and Michelle decides to do things the way she promised)
So I bid a sad and fond farewell to my husband... it was great while the blinds over my eyes where still intact...
To seven years of my life... but not lost years, I have my child.
To my friend... this loss might be the one I feel the most!
And when tomorrow finally comes, I will stand up and do what has to be done... not with a glad hart... but with memories intact and dreams shattered.
And then I will walk away from it just as you did... and start dreaming new dreams!
So now the feelings start... well just as soon as I can figure out how I want to feel about it?!?
Tomorrow marks the end of seven years with some one I had loved and who I thought loved me in return (as a man should love a woman) - yet I cant feel regret in the years spent with him... they gave me my son!
Tomorrow I lower my husband into his grave. Its the final nail in the coffin of the man I married, now Michelle can live, and hopefully be happy in the life she chose!
Tomorrow, tomorrow i'llllll love ye tomorrow its onlllly a dayyyyy awaaayyyy!
LOL just felt like it!
Back to the topic at hand.
I feel a great loss, not only is my husband dead (or as good as) but I have lost a friend... my best friend.
Even though we both had the best intentions to stay friends, I don't think it will work. The reason being that I can't agree with the way this transition is handled, not that it should be my problem - it would be great to say "go ahead do your thing, we'll be OK"... but alas I can't do that! It is my problem, as it touches me directly... so I think we might be able to remain friendly, but not friends (unless there is a sudden change of hart and Michelle decides to do things the way she promised)
So I bid a sad and fond farewell to my husband... it was great while the blinds over my eyes where still intact...
To seven years of my life... but not lost years, I have my child.
To my friend... this loss might be the one I feel the most!
And when tomorrow finally comes, I will stand up and do what has to be done... not with a glad hart... but with memories intact and dreams shattered.
And then I will walk away from it just as you did... and start dreaming new dreams!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Go sit in the corner!
I feel like a naughty child... I was sent home from work today... had my self a nice little hissy fit!
Michelle sent me a message informing me that she told her work about whats going on. As I knew this was going to happen it was not such a big problem, it was just the way it was done!
If you tell your employer such a huge thing and you know that the result might end in you being forced to leave (by law they cant fire her, but they can make life damn uncomfortable), if this was the case, would you not wait till you had a backup plan... especially if you know that you have financial responsibilities, and I'm not just talking about our son or our debt, but he co-rents a place with his mom, and she will NOT be able to handle the rent and cost of life without his help?!? Has the whole world turned selfish!
I wish Michelle all the happiness life can give her. But I get so angry... I ask and ask to be told when she makes life changing decisions like this! I have to make provision for our son and our debt, if she cant bring her side I'm stuck! I don't want to go down this road, but if I have to and I'm forced to I'll do what needs to be done... as of the 20Th I have a legally binding contract sating that she is responsible for half our dept as well as maintenance for Triston... I cant allow her to be selfish in this way!?! But it feels so wrong, I want her to have the life she dreamed of. But can I truly allow it to be at Triston's cost?
When all this started we sat down and looked at all the debt together and my mom and I had worked out a plan to have it paid off in one year. Michelle agreed that waiting one year will be OK and that she will put off the whole transition till the debt was paid off... and now all these things are taking place that should not be happening now!
So I think I have a right to be angry... it feels like every word out of Michelle's mouth in the last 3 months have been a lie! I loved and respected Etienne, but I'm really finding it hard to just like Michelle. I don't know if that makes sense... and don't give me the crap of she is still the same person, its just not true. Etienne would rather have gone hungry than let Triston go without anything (in fact we have done that) family always came first... but Michelle just cares about getting the body she wants, at any cost!
So Michelle, is the cost to high... I will never keep Triston from you, and Triston will learn to love Michelle, as its not in my personality to poison his mind against you... but think about it? Think about all the empty promises over the last 3 months...
I will see Triston every night... didn't last long. (and I'm not talking about now, I know you don't have a car at the moment)
I will wait one year before starting... till you got your first doctors appointment.
I will let you know when I make decisions that effect you and Triston... hasn't happened yet - other than that you want to be a woman.
...and here is where I will stop...
So here I sit, angry yet again... do you think I like feeling like this towards you?? Do you think it pleases me to be used like a yo-yo that just has to fall in with your plans??
Please just think about it, I now know you read this... and maybe its for the best. Because here I can say what I cant say to your face...
I want to be your friend, but you make it damn hard... is it really to much to ask that you wait till the debt is paid... is it really to much to ask that you consult me about things that effect me??
Guess it is...
Michelle sent me a message informing me that she told her work about whats going on. As I knew this was going to happen it was not such a big problem, it was just the way it was done!
If you tell your employer such a huge thing and you know that the result might end in you being forced to leave (by law they cant fire her, but they can make life damn uncomfortable), if this was the case, would you not wait till you had a backup plan... especially if you know that you have financial responsibilities, and I'm not just talking about our son or our debt, but he co-rents a place with his mom, and she will NOT be able to handle the rent and cost of life without his help?!? Has the whole world turned selfish!
I wish Michelle all the happiness life can give her. But I get so angry... I ask and ask to be told when she makes life changing decisions like this! I have to make provision for our son and our debt, if she cant bring her side I'm stuck! I don't want to go down this road, but if I have to and I'm forced to I'll do what needs to be done... as of the 20Th I have a legally binding contract sating that she is responsible for half our dept as well as maintenance for Triston... I cant allow her to be selfish in this way!?! But it feels so wrong, I want her to have the life she dreamed of. But can I truly allow it to be at Triston's cost?
When all this started we sat down and looked at all the debt together and my mom and I had worked out a plan to have it paid off in one year. Michelle agreed that waiting one year will be OK and that she will put off the whole transition till the debt was paid off... and now all these things are taking place that should not be happening now!
So I think I have a right to be angry... it feels like every word out of Michelle's mouth in the last 3 months have been a lie! I loved and respected Etienne, but I'm really finding it hard to just like Michelle. I don't know if that makes sense... and don't give me the crap of she is still the same person, its just not true. Etienne would rather have gone hungry than let Triston go without anything (in fact we have done that) family always came first... but Michelle just cares about getting the body she wants, at any cost!
So Michelle, is the cost to high... I will never keep Triston from you, and Triston will learn to love Michelle, as its not in my personality to poison his mind against you... but think about it? Think about all the empty promises over the last 3 months...
I will see Triston every night... didn't last long. (and I'm not talking about now, I know you don't have a car at the moment)
I will wait one year before starting... till you got your first doctors appointment.
I will let you know when I make decisions that effect you and Triston... hasn't happened yet - other than that you want to be a woman.
...and here is where I will stop...
So here I sit, angry yet again... do you think I like feeling like this towards you?? Do you think it pleases me to be used like a yo-yo that just has to fall in with your plans??
Please just think about it, I now know you read this... and maybe its for the best. Because here I can say what I cant say to your face...
I want to be your friend, but you make it damn hard... is it really to much to ask that you wait till the debt is paid... is it really to much to ask that you consult me about things that effect me??
Guess it is...
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Rollercoaster...
Lately I have been feeling like I have a roller coaster attached to my emotions.... then I received a email... and smiled for at least 10 min.... its so damn true!
Friday, November 9, 2007
What a week...
No more bitching and moaning... life goes on, and its WEEKEND!
The sun is shining... and I'm spending Saturday on the beach in the middle of Gauteng... with a great guy... whom I have been missing all week...
Enjoy your weekend all my little ghosts... I know I will!
The sun is shining... and I'm spending Saturday on the beach in the middle of Gauteng... with a great guy... whom I have been missing all week...
Enjoy your weekend all my little ghosts... I know I will!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Breath in... Breath out....
OK nice and calm now... sort of.
I needed my little rant of before, but I have had time to step back and look... and to be honest I think this whole thing with my ex and his fe/male dilemma, is just fear.
I think the impact of his choice is finally hitting him... and now s/he is running scared! It took its sweet time happening but I knew it would have to happen sometime soon.
Michelle has seen light and I don't think she will allow Etienne to shove her back in the closet... so regardless of what Etienne says Michelle is here to stay... funny how it makes sense from the outside looking in...?
So now all I can do is except who ever the hell he wants to be - and reassure him that Triston will be able to deal with it and all things life throws his way because he has a great and in-place support system.
The fear is that Triston will resent him because of this choice he made... and the truth is that it is very likely that he will, but if Michelle can be there for him in the same loving way Etienne has been there, Triston will be able to look back and see that he did not miss out in life and that regardless of the decisions his dad made in his life he still has 2 parents that love him...
And so I look to my little rainbow again... move on with my life... and hope that the next choice Michelle makes wont through me so off balance....
This is Triston 2 weeks ago on my birthday---
I needed my little rant of before, but I have had time to step back and look... and to be honest I think this whole thing with my ex and his fe/male dilemma, is just fear.
I think the impact of his choice is finally hitting him... and now s/he is running scared! It took its sweet time happening but I knew it would have to happen sometime soon.
Michelle has seen light and I don't think she will allow Etienne to shove her back in the closet... so regardless of what Etienne says Michelle is here to stay... funny how it makes sense from the outside looking in...?
So now all I can do is except who ever the hell he wants to be - and reassure him that Triston will be able to deal with it and all things life throws his way because he has a great and in-place support system.
The fear is that Triston will resent him because of this choice he made... and the truth is that it is very likely that he will, but if Michelle can be there for him in the same loving way Etienne has been there, Triston will be able to look back and see that he did not miss out in life and that regardless of the decisions his dad made in his life he still has 2 parents that love him...
And so I look to my little rainbow again... move on with my life... and hope that the next choice Michelle makes wont through me so off balance....
This is Triston 2 weeks ago on my birthday---
Monday, November 5, 2007
Bugger it all to hell and back!!
After all this pain, after all my tears, after all of it... Michelle decides that the cost (emotional) of the transition is to high???? He doesn't what to loose his son too...
I could hate him, in fact I'm getting to close to doing just that! OK fine so I'm glad my son wont go through hell because his dad decided he wants to be a woman! But shit could he not have thought of the cost before destroying my life and forcing me to start from scratch... I don't know what he wants me to say to this news??? Does he want me to fall in his arms and declare my undying love to him... there is no such thing! Love can die just as cruel and painful a death as most things in life can. And my love for him as my husband is dead! The bit of respect I had left for him is going, going ... ! I really don't know what he wants me to think or feel about this...news?
So this is how easy it is to bring my silly spiral back, to break me into a million pieces... just as I think OK, I'm back on my feet... life becomes the bitch I have known all my life!
But regardless of all this, my marriage is over, my son comes from a broken home, and I, yet again, feel like I will never be enough...
I want to be held right now... I want someone to tell me it will be OK, that I'm worthy of love...
I could hate him, in fact I'm getting to close to doing just that! OK fine so I'm glad my son wont go through hell because his dad decided he wants to be a woman! But shit could he not have thought of the cost before destroying my life and forcing me to start from scratch... I don't know what he wants me to say to this news??? Does he want me to fall in his arms and declare my undying love to him... there is no such thing! Love can die just as cruel and painful a death as most things in life can. And my love for him as my husband is dead! The bit of respect I had left for him is going, going ... ! I really don't know what he wants me to think or feel about this...news?
So this is how easy it is to bring my silly spiral back, to break me into a million pieces... just as I think OK, I'm back on my feet... life becomes the bitch I have known all my life!
But regardless of all this, my marriage is over, my son comes from a broken home, and I, yet again, feel like I will never be enough...
I want to be held right now... I want someone to tell me it will be OK, that I'm worthy of love...
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Pity Party.
OK pity party is over! Lets get on with life!
And if you don't know what I'm talking about... Goood!
Put a smile on your face, pretend that the pounding headache is not real... wear your flat shoes... go to work in shorts... RELAX... life ain't half as bad as we make it out to be!
Have a great day all my little ghost readers!
And if you don't know what I'm talking about... Goood!
Put a smile on your face, pretend that the pounding headache is not real... wear your flat shoes... go to work in shorts... RELAX... life ain't half as bad as we make it out to be!
Have a great day all my little ghost readers!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
OK now what?!?
So I got my date today... the d-day...
And now its time for the long wait.........
OK maybe not so long, in fact I'm amazed at how soon it will be over! I need this to be over, but what the hell do I say to the judge...
Umm, yes sir we had a great marriage till the day hubby decided he wants to be... wait for it...a woman???
I really, really hope I don't get some sort of liberal judge, telling me that SHE is still the same person I fell in love with... please please please! (what in a dress and boobs, I don't think so!)
NO what I want is a nice boere oomie, who will look at this case, shake his head and send me on my merry little way.
And now I'll be like a kid before her birth day ... I'm going to count the days - plus side is I can count past ten right up to twenty...
One day over X - 19 to go... shit shit shit... it just dawned on me that it will be exactly the day we got married!!! How is that for fate?!? I will never look at the 20th of November in the same way... got shackled and set free on the same date just different years...isn't life just funny!
And now its time for the long wait.........
OK maybe not so long, in fact I'm amazed at how soon it will be over! I need this to be over, but what the hell do I say to the judge...
Umm, yes sir we had a great marriage till the day hubby decided he wants to be... wait for it...a woman???
I really, really hope I don't get some sort of liberal judge, telling me that SHE is still the same person I fell in love with... please please please! (what in a dress and boobs, I don't think so!)
NO what I want is a nice boere oomie, who will look at this case, shake his head and send me on my merry little way.
And now I'll be like a kid before her birth day ... I'm going to count the days - plus side is I can count past ten right up to twenty...
One day over X - 19 to go... shit shit shit... it just dawned on me that it will be exactly the day we got married!!! How is that for fate?!? I will never look at the 20th of November in the same way... got shackled and set free on the same date just different years...isn't life just funny!
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