Go sit in the corner!

I feel like a naughty child... I was sent home from work today... had my self a nice little hissy fit!

Michelle sent me a message informing me that she told her work about whats going on. As I knew this was going to happen it was not such a big problem, it was just the way it was done!

If you tell your employer such a huge thing and you know that the result might end in you being forced to leave (by law they cant fire her, but they can make life damn uncomfortable), if this was the case, would you not wait till you had a backup plan... especially if you know that you have financial responsibilities, and I'm not just talking about our son or our debt, but he co-rents a place with his mom, and she will NOT be able to handle the rent and cost of life without his help?!? Has the whole world turned selfish!

I wish Michelle all the happiness life can give her. But I get so angry... I ask and ask to be told when she makes life changing decisions like this! I have to make provision for our son and our debt, if she cant bring her side I'm stuck! I don't want to go down this road, but if I have to and I'm forced to I'll do what needs to be done... as of the 20Th I have a legally binding contract sating that she is responsible for half our dept as well as maintenance for Triston... I cant allow her to be selfish in this way!?! But it feels so wrong, I want her to have the life she dreamed of. But can I truly allow it to be at Triston's cost?

When all this started we sat down and looked at all the debt together and my mom and I had worked out a plan to have it paid off in one year. Michelle agreed that waiting one year will be OK and that she will put off the whole transition till the debt was paid off... and now all these things are taking place that should not be happening now!

So I think I have a right to be angry... it feels like every word out of Michelle's mouth in the last 3 months have been a lie! I loved and respected Etienne, but I'm really finding it hard to just like Michelle. I don't know if that makes sense... and don't give me the crap of she is still the same person, its just not true. Etienne would rather have gone hungry than let Triston go without anything (in fact we have done that) family always came first... but Michelle just cares about getting the body she wants, at any cost!

So Michelle, is the cost to high... I will never keep Triston from you, and Triston will learn to love Michelle, as its not in my personality to poison his mind against you... but think about it? Think about all the empty promises over the last 3 months...

I will see Triston every night... didn't last long. (and I'm not talking about now, I know you don't have a car at the moment)
I will wait one year before starting... till you got your first doctors appointment.
I will let you know when I make decisions that effect you and Triston... hasn't happened yet - other than that you want to be a woman.

...and here is where I will stop...

So here I sit, angry yet again... do you think I like feeling like this towards you?? Do you think it pleases me to be used like a yo-yo that just has to fall in with your plans??

Please just think about it, I now know you read this... and maybe its for the best. Because here I can say what I cant say to your face...

I want to be your friend, but you make it damn hard... is it really to much to ask that you wait till the debt is paid... is it really to much to ask that you consult me about things that effect me??

Guess it is...

Rollercoaster...

Lately I have been feeling like I have a roller coaster attached to my emotions.... then I received a email... and smiled for at least 10 min.... its so damn true!

What a week...

No more bitching and moaning... life goes on, and its WEEKEND!

The sun is shining... and I'm spending Saturday on the beach in the middle of Gauteng... with a great guy... whom I have been missing all week...

Enjoy your weekend all my little ghosts... I know I will!

Breath in... Breath out....

OK nice and calm now... sort of.

I needed my little rant of before, but I have had time to step back and look... and to be honest I think this whole thing with my ex and his fe/male dilemma, is just fear.

I think the impact of his choice is finally hitting him... and now s/he is running scared! It took its sweet time happening but I knew it would have to happen sometime soon.

Michelle has seen light and I don't think she will allow Etienne to shove her back in the closet... so regardless of what Etienne says Michelle is here to stay... funny how it makes sense from the outside looking in...?

So now all I can do is except who ever the hell he wants to be - and reassure him that Triston will be able to deal with it and all things life throws his way because he has a great and in-place support system.

The fear is that Triston will resent him because of this choice he made... and the truth is that it is very likely that he will, but if Michelle can be there for him in the same loving way Etienne has been there, Triston will be able to look back and see that he did not miss out in life and that regardless of the decisions his dad made in his life he still has 2 parents that love him...

And so I look to my little rainbow again... move on with my life... and hope that the next choice Michelle makes wont through me so off balance....

This is Triston 2 weeks ago on my birthday---

Bugger it all to hell and back!!

After all this pain, after all my tears, after all of it... Michelle decides that the cost (emotional) of the transition is to high???? He doesn't what to loose his son too...

I could hate him, in fact I'm getting to close to doing just that! OK fine so I'm glad my son wont go through hell because his dad decided he wants to be a woman! But shit could he not have thought of the cost before destroying my life and forcing me to start from scratch... I don't know what he wants me to say to this news??? Does he want me to fall in his arms and declare my undying love to him... there is no such thing! Love can die just as cruel and painful a death as most things in life can. And my love for him as my husband is dead! The bit of respect I had left for him is going, going ... ! I really don't know what he wants me to think or feel about this...news?

So this is how easy it is to bring my silly spiral back, to break me into a million pieces... just as I think OK, I'm back on my feet... life becomes the bitch I have known all my life!

But regardless of all this, my marriage is over, my son comes from a broken home, and I, yet again, feel like I will never be enough...

I want to be held right now... I want someone to tell me it will be OK, that I'm worthy of love...

Pity Party.

OK pity party is over! Lets get on with life!

And if you don't know what I'm talking about... Goood!

Put a smile on your face, pretend that the pounding headache is not real... wear your flat shoes... go to work in shorts... RELAX... life ain't half as bad as we make it out to be!

Have a great day all my little ghost readers!

OK now what?!?

So I got my date today... the d-day...

And now its time for the long wait.........
OK maybe not so long, in fact I'm amazed at how soon it will be over! I need this to be over, but what the hell do I say to the judge...

Umm, yes sir we had a great marriage till the day hubby decided he wants to be... wait for it...a woman???

I really, really hope I don't get some sort of liberal judge, telling me that SHE is still the same person I fell in love with... please please please! (what in a dress and boobs, I don't think so!)

NO what I want is a nice boere oomie, who will look at this case, shake his head and send me on my merry little way.

And now I'll be like a kid before her birth day ... I'm going to count the days - plus side is I can count past ten right up to twenty...

One day over X - 19 to go... shit shit shit... it just dawned on me that it will be exactly the day we got married!!! How is that for fate?!? I will never look at the 20th of November in the same way... got shackled and set free on the same date just different years...isn't life just funny!